The Lighter side of February 2018☺

Plane Reservations

While living in the British Virgin Islands, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from our equally small airport.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, “The plane is very full with baggage and passengers.”

Then she asked, “How much do you weigh, sir?”

Not thinking clearly I answered, “With or without clothes?”

“Well,” said the clerk, “how do you intend to travel?”

Note. For those who never lived or even travelled between islands in the Caribbean, they load the plane based on weight. So, you may not sit with your spouse.

Classic Bumper Stickers

– We’re staying together for the sake of the cats.

– Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

– This is not an abandoned vehicle.

– I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

– It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

– Life’s too short to dance with ugly men.

– My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’ll miss her.

– When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).

– I is a college student.

– Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

– Eschew obfuscation.

– I’m not old, I’m vintage.

– I’m having an out of money experience.

The Women I Love

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees…

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Ma.!! You’re right. How did you know.??”

“I don’t like her….”

Mechanic vs. Doctor

A heart surgeon came to a mechanic to repair his car. The mechanic had a look at the car’s engine, opened a valve and fixed it.

The mechanic said, “I repaired the engine which is the heart of the car. You also operate on the hearts of humans, so our jobs are quite similar. So why it you earn more than me?”

The doctor replied, “Can you repair the car when the ignition is on? We can!”

The Farmer and the Texan

A Texan is visiting Israel, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road…

“Can you give me a drink of water.??” asks the Texan.

“Of course,” says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in.

“What do you do.??” asks the Texan.

“I raise a few chickens,” says the Israeli.

“Really. That’s interesting,” remarks the Texan. “I’m also a farmer… How much land do you have??”

“Well”, says the Israeli, “out front it’s fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your place?”

“Well”, says the Texan, “on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive…and I don’t reach the end of the ranch until dinner time.”

“Really,” replies the Israeli shaking his head. “I used to have a car like that.”

Historical

“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.”

“You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.

“No, historical. She starts digging up my past.”

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