Fishing on Sunday
A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached against fishing on Sunday.
The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish and said hesitatingly, “I guess I ought to tell you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday.”
The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, “The fish aren’t to blame for that.”
An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she’d accept lunch at one of Houston’s finer restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler’s loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back. “Wow,” said a diner who had been watching from the next table. “These Texas women are tough!
What Was That?
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.
“Yes, that was it!”
“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”
“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther.”
Twitter went through a partial outage last week…. Police have been investigating and so far, have reduced the number of suspects down to 140 characters.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially all the muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!”
Family Feud….For Real!
Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud (Family Fortunes in the UK):
Name something a blind person might use: a sword
Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin
Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar
Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: A horse
Name something that floats in the bath: Water
Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair
Name something red: my cardigan
Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers
Name something you do before going to bed: Sleep
Name something you might be allergic to: Skiing