NEW VICE PRESIDENT
The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.
Of course, I was excited, but that didn’t stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
“Why?” asked the chairman.
“Because,” I said, “our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don’t want be known as VP of CRAP.”
This is why we trail so many countries in math…I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: “12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.” She shook her head at the sad news.
Then, turning to me, asked, “How many is a Brazilian?”
WHERE GOD AIN’T
He was just a little boy, on a week’s first day.
He was wandering home from Sunday School, and dawdling on the way.
He scuffed his shoes into the grass; he found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod, and blew out all the “filler.”
A bird’s nest in a tree overhead, so wisely placed on high.
Was just another wonder that caught his eager eye.
A neighbor watched his zig zag course, and hailed him from the lawn;
Asked him where he’d been that day and what was going on.
“I’ve been to Bible School,” he said and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm replying, “I’ve learned a lot of God.”
“M’m very fine way,” the neighbor said, “for a boy to spend his time.”
“If you’ll tell me where God is, I’ll give you a brand new dime.”
Quick as a flash the answer came! Nor were his accents faint.
“I’ll give you a dollar, Mister, if you can tell me where God ain’t.”
A Quaker farmer was milking his cow when she switched him in the face with her tail.
He patiently said, “Cow, thou shalt not do that.” He kept milking until she kicked and sent the half-filled milk pail tumbling across the barn, spilling and ruining the milk.
The farmer went around to face the cow and took her horns in his big, calloused hands. He looked at her and said, “Cow, thou knowest that I am a Quaker and that I cannot strike thee. But cow, thou also must know that I can sell thee to a Baptist.”