LOL July 2017

CHANGING TIMES

When I was teaching French linguistics and on my way to the photocopier, a colleague across the hall, an internationally known economist, asked me if I could make 45 copies of the final test in her ECON 773 class.

I glanced at the three questions and ventured, “But, Anna,  aren’t these the same questions that were on your final last year?”

“Yes,” she said, “but the correct answers have changed.”

TOY PROBLEM

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.

“Who never talks back to mother and who does everything mother says?”

Five small voices replied in unison. “Okay daddy! You get the toy.”

A LOVE SUPREME

Wayyyyyyy back in the days before digital music, a woman intended to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner, “but I have a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”

GARDENING TIPS

On the first garden-worthy weekend here, we spent hours playing in the dirt. Along the way we learned some lessons:

– Clean up dog poop before using the weed whacker.

– If the neighbors have some new flowers in their garden that would look great in yours, take just enough so that they don’t notice and call the cops.

– Do not expect your elderly cat to come to you when you say, “Here, Kitty Kitty,” and you’re holding a shovel.

– The sight of bees may warm your heart, but do not try to hug them.

– If you pull a weed, but it turns out to not be a weed on account of it’s actually an expensive stargazer lily, do not tell your significant other.

ANNOUNCMENTS

*Actual in-flight announcements from flight attendants or pilot staff:

*On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the  appearance of your flight attendants.”

*As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

*After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

*From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 295 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

*”In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting  with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

*”As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

*Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

*Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:”We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

*An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable

cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies

and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,

nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and,

therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and

relax… OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom

and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”digital m

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