LOL October 2017

GRAMMAR KILLS

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours.

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.

CHILD SITTING

“I really appreciate you and Dad watching the kids today, Mom.”

Later, Grandma says, “Boy, I’m really worn out. I remember being exhausted when our kids were babies. Now, with  grandkids, I’m exhausted all over again!”

Grandpa replies, “It’s to be expected. Why do you think they call folks our age re-tired?”

VIOLIN VS FIDDLE

I went to the musical instrument store with my great grandfather’s violin that he played in Vienna. The store owner said that it’s not a violin, it’s a fiddle. So I ask what the difference is between a violin and a fiddle.

“Well,” the store owner replied, “when I buy it, it’s a fiddle. When I sell it, it’s a violin.”

THE CHICKEN SOLUTION

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds, and he had tried everything. His flowerbeds were in a really bad condition.

Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom! So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away… “How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard??”

He replied, “Well, one night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn’t bothered after that.”

PC CHILDREN

*Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage restrictive.”

*Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

*No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”

*You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”

*You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

*The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”

Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”

You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor retentive athletic footwear.”

You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”

You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “Going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative over-seer building.”

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