Summer of 2018 Jokes

Where do sharks go on summer vacation?

– Finland

When do you go at red and stop at green?

– When you’re eating a watermelon.

Why do bananas use sunscreen?

– Because they peel.

What does the sun drink out of?

– SUNglasses.

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

– Long time no sea.

Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

– Because they’re shellfish.

Why don’t mummies go on summer vacation?

– They’re afraid to relax and unwind.

Why can’t basketball players go on summer vacation?

– They’d get called for traveling!

First woman: My son came to visit for summer vacation.

Second woman: How nice! Did you meet him at the airport?

First woman: Oh, no. I’ve known him for years!

Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game?

– All the fans left!

What do you get when you combine an elephant with a fish?

– Swimming trunks.

Do fish go on vacation?

– No, because they’re always in school.

BASEBALL

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” Yes, coach” replied the little boy. “

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”  The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse the umpire, or call him an idiot. Do you understand all that?”  Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not a dumb decision or that the coach is a dunghead is it?”  “No, coach.”

“Good”, said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

LEAVE IT TO ME

The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

“So, what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

“We had a heck of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”

“Wow!” his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. “So… where are all the cows?”

“None of ’em survived the branding.”

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