Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
“Is it true Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?” she asked.
“Yeth,” lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: “Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.”
A Christmas Eve traveler had been driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat*… he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and holiday consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.
When the housewife came to the door, said he, “Pardon me Madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, especially at Christmas, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off….”
“Not so fast,” says she. “How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?”
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said, “He looks like this” as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
“Oh no, you *horrible* man,” she replied. “I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?”
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed, “Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!”
IS THAT CRAZY
Next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone, I’ll just look at him, shocked, and whisper quietly, “You can see me?”
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. “The curlers are on me.”
One of the posh hotels in Las Vegas employs my sister-in-law as a room-service attendant. During a medical convention at the hotel, she was preparing a breakfast order that consisted of cheese omelet, bacon, ham, hash browns and a Danish. “Now that’s a heart attack waiting to happen,” commented a passing co-worker.
“Yeah,” my sister-in-law replied. “And believe it or not, that’s just what the doctor ordered!”
2-year old: “What’s that? Can I hold it?”
Me: “That’s a calculator.”
2-year old: “No, that’s a calcuNOW.”