ACTUAL TEACHER COMMENTS
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
11. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
ACTUAL POLICE COMMENTS
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
13. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
14. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS…
15. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t… Sign here.”
The Women I Love
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees…
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”
“That’s amazing, Ma.!! You’re right. How did you know.??”
“I don’t like her….”
Mechanic vs. Doctor
A heart surgeon came to a mechanic to repair his car. The mechanic had a look at the car’s engine, opened a valve and fixed it.
The mechanic said, “I repaired the engine which is the heart of the car. You also operate on the hearts of humans, so our jobs are quite similar. So why it you earn more than me?”
The doctor replied, “Can you repair the car when the ignition is on? We can!”
The Farmer and the Texan
A Texan is visiting Israel, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road…
“Can you give me a drink of water.??” asks the Texan.
“Of course,” says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in.
“What do you do.??” asks the Texan.
“I raise a few chickens,” says the Israeli.
“Really. That’s interesting,” remarks the Texan. “I’m also a farmer… How much land do you have??”
“Well”, says the Israeli, “out front it’s fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your place?”
“Well”, says the Texan, “on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive…and I don’t reach the end of the ranch until dinner time.”
“Really,” replies the Israeli shaking his head. “I used to have a car like that.”
“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.”
“You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.
“No, historical. She starts digging up my past.”